HPGers –
Did you read the latest Cycling News article on mechanical doping? I was surprised to see Dr. William Monkey’s image on the scanning screen of the device used to detect mechanical doping. (see attached screen shot from article).
I was able to contact Willie, who is now in Korea, to find out why his likeness would appear on a mechanical doping scanner. His explanation is as follows:
“Of course my image appeared – part of my trademark agreement with the UCI. David Lappartient was thoroughly briefed on my ongoing study of mechanical doping when he became UCI president in September. Under UCI direction and sponsorship, I have been recruiting human volunteers for a within-subjects, placebo-controlled, double-blind, cross-over pilot study to determine what advantage mechanical doping gives, if any, compared to WTMB.”
Willie went on to explain that his research is to be published in a new medical quarterly, WTMQ (Willie the Monkey Quarterly). Willie told me in confidence that he is encouraged by the early results, which show WTMB to be far superior to mechanical doping, AND impossible to detect.
John
Latest
WILLIE APPEARS IN MECHANICAL DOPING SCANNER
HPG Velo WILLIE SETS OFF NUCLEAR ALARM
HPGers –
Willie had posted this photo on Instagram (see attached). With the Winter Olympics coming up, Willie is planning to be in Pyeongchang next week as official team uniform supplier to the Russian athletes. Apparently on his way over, he decided to stop in Honolulu, hack into the NORAD control center, and create a panic by sending out a nuclear alarm.
I whatsapp’ed the Doctor, and he explained that this is a fact: Giuseppi is not playing fair by going to Maui to ride his bike for the next five weeks when the rest of us are stuck in New England riding in the bitter cold or worse (think Computrainer). To right this wrong, he did what only a monkey of Willie’s intellect can do – create a diversion that would cause Giuseppi to cancel his plans.
Did it work? Giuseppi, please check in.
John
HPG Velo Fwd: Can the Length of Sweden (Long Ride) become the longest HPG email thread in HPG email history?
Excellent John, I will need to look that porno up. I must have missed it.
In your search for “fact based” tidbits you may have overlookd the fact that out Butt Nugget In Chief has prohibited the use of seven words or phrases today:
and “fact based” is likely close enough to “evidence based” to get you on a watch list. My advice: becareful and seek willie’s guidance and his friends protection.
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On Dec 16, 2017, at 9:36 PM, John Whisnant <jwwhisnant> wrote:
Tim –
You started this controversy, and I hope my internet search for a fact based response may end it. Through the magic of google algorithms, I was able to find that in fact The Length of Sweden is the title of a porno vimeo (see attached). In addition, and even more incredibly, it appears as if Willie may have been a porn star before he became a doctor!John
On Sat, Dec 16, 2017 at 7:57 PM, Tim Donahue <tpd001> wrote:
So far this thread has gone over like a
On 12/16/2017 5:47 PM, Damon Bates wrote:
John I’m reasonably confident that the longest HPG thread ever debated the pros and cons of (you) changing out bottom bracket parts at the start line of major races perhaps even the Senior Olympics.
Runner-up topic for the longest thread was probably the heated and protracted discussion of yellow cards versus red cards being handed out passing on the Hills by the Weston country club in the face of oncoming traffic?
On Dec 16, 2017, at 1:05 PM, John Whisnant <jwwhisnant> wrote:
Subject: Can the Length of Sweden (Long Ride) become the longest HPG email thread in HPG email history?
HPGers-
Due to Tim’s ability to spark controversy and then deny any obvious intent and Damon’s and my inability to let things go, the email thread re: The Length of Sweden (X rated) is now 10 exchanges long. Not bad for such an inconsequential topic, but there have been many that were much longer.
Does anyone know which is the longest HPG thread in HPG email history? I’m thinking it was Thom asking if anyone knew a good Wellesley area plumber. This would be so wrong if true. Or maybe it was the thread about LED bike lights? If someone can come up with the longest email thread count, I have no doubt that Damon and I single handedly can extend the Length of Sweden until it occupies the top spot.
John
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HPG Velo Cycling safety survey results
HPGers
Since Damon asked about fatalities per million hours for WTM clients, he whatsapped me that on a per client basis, none of his clients are yet 114 years old (1M hours = 114 years). Since dying before then would exclude them from the database and ensuing analysis, none of his clients are considered dead by this British standard.
In addition, Willie cannot emphasize enough that he cannot remember if Serena, Venus or Simone were his clients after he became overheated and dehydrated, which then triggered selective amnesia. Similar to Lance and his backdated cortisone prescription, Willie has a prescription to treat this condition but is planning to say no more about this or any of the other athletes the Russians have outed or will out. Russians are such ingrates given all that Willie did for them in Rio.
John
On Wed, Sep 14, 2016 at 4:56 PM, Damon Bates <damonbates1> wrote:
Interesting…particularly the “living all causes” number…which I feel is slightly understated.
One of the benefits of working for a highly rated life insurance company is that we get to do cutting edge research. Well we’ve done that research and (surprise) we learned that everyone dies.
Now Im not an actuary (I only play one in cyberspace) but I believe all the activities listed should result in a lower probability of death than “living all causes” which should have an expected value of 1.0 …or significantly more per million hours than shown …no?
Might be interesting to know too, how many deaths per million hrs Willie has observed in his WTMB clients??
On Sep 14, 2016, at 1:01 PM, thomas snow <tgsnow> wrote:
http://cyclehelmets.org/1026.html
Interesting article on bicycling safety based on data from UK.
Cycling is safer than Living per this survey…Risk by time (US)
Fatalities per million hours Less safe Sky diving 128.71 General aviation 15.58 On-road motorcycling 8.80 Scuba diving 1.98 Living (all causes of death) 1.53 Swimming 1.07 Snowmobiling 0.88 Passenger cars 0.47 Water skiing 0.28 Bicycling 0.26 Safer Flying (scheduled domestic airlines) 0.15 Hunting 0.08 Cosmic radiation from transcontinental flights 0.035 Home living (active) 0.027 Traveling in a school bus 0.022 Passenger car post-collision fire 0.017 Home living (including sleeping) 0.014 Residential fire 0.003
HPG Velo Saturday ride reinforces HPG Rules of Disorder
HPGers –
The ride this morning, once we got to Concord, exemplified and serves to reinforce the four fundamental HPG Rules of Disorder (ROD as in “Spare the ROD and spoil the cyclist”):
- RULE ONE: There shall be no agreement on where we shall meet for the ride start
- Most of us agreed to meet at Peet’s at 8am
- But for reasons known only to Giuseppe, he and he alone wanted to meet at Weston center
- Ergo – the 14 Peet’s originated cyclists detoured to meet solo Giuseppe with no complaints or bickering
RULE TWO: There shall be no agreement on where we are going once we do not agree on where we shall meet for the ride start
- Some wanted to go to to Hollis
- Some were going to Carlisle
- Some were going to do Carlisle ‘expanded’
RULE THREE: There shall be no agreement on who is going where once do not agree on where we are going and where we shall meet for the ride start
- With three routes in mind, we all went up Monument together
- Which was good until we got on Rt. 225
- Then some of us turned right for Carlisle ‘expanded’
- Some went straight to continue to Fern’s to go to Hollis
- Some went straight even though they had meant to turn right
RULE FOUR: There shall be no agreement on how to reorganize once there is no agreement on who is going where and where we are going and where we shall meet for the ride start
- Some who turned right decided to turn around and chase down to bring back those whom they thought meant to turn right but had not
- Some stopped to wait – thinking we would regroup by default
- Some continued on to the beaver dam to wait there with no plan in mind
- Minutes ticked by. Then more minutes.
RULES OF DISORDER OUTCOME: With no agreement on how to reorganize once there is no agreement on who is going where and where we are going and where we shall meet for the ride start, everything will work according to the plan which we didn’t make in the first place
- Steve, Thom and I bailed out and went to Fern’s to have a coffee.
- As we were about to leave, figuring everyone would eventually get back to Peet’s on their own or in small groups, the entire Carlisle group had somehow reassembled and rode by.
- Thom and Steve joined them, and I went back to Cambridge on 225.
Rides like this are invaluable since they serve to reinforce the fundamental HPG Rules of Disorder. Great ride!
John
Audrey the Rock Star
As you may know, Audrey and I rode 6 Gap yesterday with a group of 42 other riders. If you have not ridden it before, it’s about 136mi and 13,000ft of climbing. It’s pretty brutal. It’s my 7th or so time doing it and Audrey’s first. The route was Lincoln gap, App Gap, Roxbury, Rochester (with long lunch and lots of parking lot circles), Brandon gap, and Middlebury- then 15 miles back to the car.
After flatting on Middlebury gap i chased my group. Just to punctuate how well she’s riding, Audrey’s time on the same Middlebury climb of the day was faster than mine. This is a very tough ride and Audrey is even tougher. Dang!
Congrats to Audrey for a super day and for absolutely crushing one of the hardest rides around.
I’ve attached the profile if interested..
HPG Velo Quabin Ride Recap
Complements of Eric:
I’ll do a quick recap here and others can add to it. I can never finish reading the long ones so I’ll assume same here. Yesterday was Jon McNeill’s B2B option and it didn’t disappoint. Compatible riders, great weather, and a really nice route. Prior to the ride Jon sent out an email detailing some basic rules of the road and something about riding easy when it’s hard and easy when it’s not. At least that was my plan for the first 125 miles. The route was clockwise out to the Quabbin, north to watchusett at mile 130, climb and head home. I didn’t realize we were doing watchusett until the night before when I texted G to confirm. >
> My son Ari and Eric Poch’s daughter, Geneva, did a nice job sagging the ride. No one ever neded anything but food and water. No mechanicals and no biological bonks to necessitate any additional support. Not a single flat or anything. >
> There was a god sized group for the first leg until the first stop at 42.5 miles. Tom, Thomas, Lewis, Audrey, Mikey, Andy K, G, Rob- about 20 ish ppl total. all turned back home except 8 of us. We took it easy through he next stop at about mile 78. Easy day so far. How great is it to Kessler back on the bike and riding so well. Love him. The 8 on the full ride were Jon, mike Moran, Lebo, Rob, me, G, Eric Poch, Alan. >
> The course was great and scenic. Through the quabbin, up to the fire tower ( complete with imminent wedding)’ and plenty of quiet country roads. Giuseppe was riding like a little puppy dog and at one point said to me “I’m going to do whatever you do.” Ie ride conservatively. That lasted for about 3 mins. He felt good until the watchusett climb at mile 130. I could see his smile slowly disappearing. Just like mine did 30 miles earlier. Rob- he just kept going like it was just another Sunday ride. >
> I started to feel a little sick and got a wicked headache between 100-115 and wondered if I could make the climb. I took on some water, electrolytes and switched to cafienated gel. Rob all the while showed no signs of being tired, ever. At the mile115 rest stop, I wasn’t circling to leave and G knew something was wrong… >
>
> Approaching the long climb from the south to watchusett I could see G and 4 others way ahead. There was no way I was going to let them drop me on the climb. The gel had kicked in and I caught and passed the group and only steve Lebo could stay with me. He and I finished with steve about 20m ahead of me. I had my second wind that lasted the rest of the day. Everyone did well on the climb and the decent. At the last stop on 117 near 495, my favorite section to pull long and hard, Jon asked we ride at a pace to keep everyone together. Darn. 19 to go. >
> Amazingly by the end, everyone was strong and felt good. No one was toast or feeling spent. Since we all rode smartly and had well timed stops, the ride didn’t kill us. I’m sure everyone had there own little issues they were dealing with, but everyone worked hard to get through them and finish really stong. I don’t know about the others, but 12 hours later, I’m still 6lbs down from my starting weight… >
> Total for me from Weston Ctr 175.6 and 11,100 ft of climbing. I’m glad G convinced me to put on my 27. >
>
HPG Sox Arrive at Peet’s…I feel faster already…
Well, they made it. Finally. They will make us all faster I’m sure. Kudos to Eric for putting up with all of us. No good deed goes unpunished. Nothing like a little Peet’s Coffee to make your sox small better.
2014 “Pulled Pork” Dover Team Time Trial
The HPG fielded 2 teams this year and, in classic HPG for as of this writing both teams were disqualified for only sending 5 riders each off the line… Aside from that however a grand time was had by all. Douglas and his bride out did themselves with a phenomenal after party. Looking forward to next year already.
| Overall results | |||
| Team | Time | Place | Delta |
| Goldman | 0:30:01 | 1 | 0:00:00 |
| McNeil | 0:30:15 | 2 | 0:00:14 |
| Snow | 0:30:52 | 3 | 0:00:51 |
| Chrystal | 0:31:46 | 4 | 0:01:45 |
| HPG2 | 0:31:58 | 5 | 0:01:57 |
| HPG1 | 0:32:10 | 6 | 0:02:09 |
| MEMC 1 | 0:32:15 | 7 | 0:02:14 |
| Blue Ginger | 0:32:28 | 8 | 0:02:27 |
| MEMC 2 | 0:33:21 | 9 | 0:03:20 |
| MEMC 3 | 0:34:28 | 10 | 0:04:27 |
Walter Haywood Returns!
It’s always a pleasure when Walter returns. Since moving to Florida almost a decade ago we only see him on special occasions. Thanks to Steve and Nancy for hosting our reunion!
-
- Walter Haywood
damonbates
HPG Bike Blog 